I don’t watch a lot of television. I don’t have any good cable channels, I have a job and college classes, and I generally would rather my spend my time staring at the wall or cleaning my cat’s ears than watch anything on regular TV. But tonight, I am ill and propped up in front of the boob tube with some hot broth and a cold compress, and I’m ashamed to say I just watched a movie on Lifetime. It was called ‘Double Daddy.” Have you seen it? I’m assuming no, because you’re reading this and that means you can read so you probably have better things to do. I get a hall pass because I’m sick and can’t get off the couch.
Ok, first off, this movie was a supposedly scandalous drama about…16-year-olds. So I assume it’s geared toward that age group because generally, no one finds teenage problems interesting except teenagers. However, it was on til 11:00 on a Thursday night so I’m not sure. I never equated Lifetime Television with a teenage target audience since it seems to be mostly low budget films about middle aged women getting raped, stalked and tied up and is probably not as interesting as Pornhub or gossiping on the phone…plus you’d think if those little whippersnappers were up half late-ish on a school night they’d be doing homework or hiding in their rooms pretending to be 25 on Tinder… or whatever 16-year-olds do. I don’t remember, I haven’t been 16 for a while.
So I’m going to recap for you. In case you’re ever tempted to watch it. You don’t have to, I did it for you. Save your brain cells.
Ok, here we have two characters. A perky blonde girl who is working at a counselor at a camp. She has a big smile, bright white teeth and a baggy polo shirt. Very little makeup. She’s very wholesome and obviously a virgin; I can tell because the perky, wholesome blondes in these movies are always virgins. And also because she said so in the first five minutes. We see her call her rich douchebaggy boyfriend whom we’ll call him Rich Douchebaggy Boyfriend, or RDB for short. He’s having a party while his parents are away doing some rich people activity. Tsk tsk, and while she’s working so hard, knitting sweaters and reading to orphans at Camp Wholesome. He lies to her about it. We feel sorry for Perky Blonde. We’ll call her Stale Vanilla.
RDB has sex with a random partygoer in his dad’s Mercedes after chugging a bunch of his parents’ liquor. He doesn’t look very badass so I’m assuming it was Peach Schnapps but they don’t say. The random partygoer is bad news. She has brown hair and large breasts and her shirt is NOT baggy. She’s wearing mascara AND eyeliner. That’s how you know she’s bad news. You look at the haircolor.
The plot thickens: RDB has sex with Stale Vanilla. She ends up pregnant and so does Bad News Brunette! Pregnant at the same time! At the same time! Oh no! Double Daddy!
Bad News Brunette, it turns out, lives in some roach-infested trailer with her creepy father who wears a pit-stained wife beater t-shirt and says inappropriate things to her. Apparently her mother abandoned her and now she’s all messed up in the head. She’s a nutcase. You see her talking to herself. Which I do too, sometimes, so it takes me a second to realize this is suppose to signify she’s a lunatic.
The parents of RDB and Stale Vanilla have an argument. Some creepy thuggish guy comes to threaten Bad News Brunette and shoves her in her trailer. Apparently they were in some kind of scheme together. It’s getting hard for me to pay attention. This is not a good movie.
RDB’s mom tries to bribe Bad News Brunette to stay away from her son, who is ruining his future and won’t be able to go to Law and Order SVU’s Hudson College or wherever people on Lifetime go to college. Bad News’ dad steals the money and she has to move into RDB’s family house with his family. Bad News Brunette throws a plate at RDB’s mom and takes pictures of him when he’s sleeping. I think she’s supposed to be the villain but I can’t tell. Personally I dislike her less than RDB.
I’m now very bored. I’m trying really hard to figure this out and I think I’m supposed to be rooting for Stale Vanilla, who is jealous and cries a lot, yet punches her pregnant archnemesis in the hallway of school. None of these characters are likeable. I don’t think I’d pee on any of them if they were on fire, even if I really had to pee. I’d hold it, just to be spiteful.
It’s nearing the end. Bad News Brunette tries to kill Stale Vanilla on a school trip. It doesn’t work. I’m honestly kind of disappointed. Bad News Brunette gives birth on a pile of sticks and ends up in jail.
RDB and Stale Vanilla are supposed to give their baby up for adoption to Stale Vanilla’s bitter, barren older sister, but at the last minute, after their baby is born, they decide Baby Vanilla should stay with its mother. They now have this baby, and Bad News Brunette’s baby, because she is in jail. Everyone’s happy and grinning ear to ear in the hospital. Two teenage idiots who would be lucky if they could score working papers to get jobs at McDonald’s and a bunch of smiling parents.
The end. You’re welcome.
Good job, Lifetime. 50 gazillion screenwriters waiting tables in Hollywood and this is what you come up with. Bravo.